When Someone Says . . .
© 2013, P. Arthur Stuart
Updated: May 8, 2013

When Someone Says . . .; What they really mean.

I don’t like to complain but . . .
       You can bet that they'll complain just about anything, everything, and all of the time.

I am going to be completely honest with you about . . .
       Watch out they are going to lie like crazy.

It’s not you, it’s me . . .
       It’s you.

I don’t want to be picky but . . .
       They are going to be extremely picky.

You can trust me.
       Yeah right, be very careful.

Believe me.
       Right? It's probably going to be a lie.

It’s not the money, it’s the principle of . . .
       It’s the money.

I hate to bother you but . . .
       Hey, stop what you’re doing, my needs are more important than yours.

I have a small job for you . . .
       Be prepared to spend several days on it.

Please fill out this simple form.
       It will likely be more difficult than the IRS 1040 long form with business and capital gains income attachments.

You can afford this easily.
       You’ll be on your way to bankruptcy.

Got a minute to discuss . . .
       More like an hour or two.

Don’t get offended but . . .
       You’re going to be deeply insulted, prepare yourself.

Spouse: I won’t get angry. I just want to know . . .
       Your life is in danger.

Please hold, they’ll be right with you.
       I hope you have a good book to read, several Sudokus or a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle.

It’s simple to assemble, all you need is . . .
       You will need a graduate degree in various engineering fields and a thousand dollars' worth of tools.

Have I got the perfect person for you.
       Expect worse than the worst you could expect and someone that would make an octogenarian look like a model.

This will only take a little while.
       You're going to be there for a long while.

This isn’t going to hurt.
       They’re talking about themselves.

Don’t worry we have everything under control.
       Worry! It will all come crashing down and they don’t have a clue how to stop it.

The direction are so simple, it will be impossible for you to get lost.
       Make sure you have your survival kit with you and a GPS locator would be very appropriate.

Let me make a long story short.
       Get comfortable because you're going to be there for a long time.

You won't be sorry.
       You'll only get angry and want to kill someone.