I'm not so sure now. I may have had the Billy Martin attitude which would have caused her to respond similarly. Perhaps had I used my avatar win-win attitude, maybe we could have met on some middle ground. I guess I'm saying, maybe it was me.

So, I wondered why the fifty percent of the marriages that last until "death-do-they-part" stay together. Things that occurred to me were: need, fear of change, lack of resources, age, health, obligation, religion, or a combination of these. Plus, who-knows-what. I suspect that need is at the top. Need takes the form of money, sex, power, love, etc. I think professionals call a relationship based on need co-dependence.

As these thoughts crossed my mind, I looked at myself. In a few years it will be our "Golden" anniversary. While I was in the Navy getting close to my retirement there were days, I seriously thought about getting a divorce. We lived in California, still do, at the time there were books available that guide you through a self-litigated-divorce. I bought one. Why am I still married? It's not a simple answer.

I guess for the most part I haven't opted for divorce because of fear. I wonder about where I will live? What will it cost? Do I really have the resources? What about food and laundry? What would I take with me? How can I start over? Who will get the dogs? What are the legal issues? Would I have to go back to work? And would I be any happier, less lethargic? What would I gain and what would I lose? I think of other things, but I just don't remember while I'm writing this. For the record, like mine, all marriages have peaks and sink-holes with a lot of plains in between. So, for me, the sink-holes haven't been deep or big enough to overcome my fears. I'm writing this because I have no-one I can confide in or vent to. The lack of a confidant just exacerbates my inner struggle.

Don't get me wrong. for the most part I live day-to-day occupying my time in pursuits that relax me, and on a few occasions, I find something rewarding. I'm not living in total misery. The major part of my days now, I spend working/playing on my computer and watching TV later on. Four days a week I jog for thirty minutes and another two days I do a half hour of weight training. I know these are good for my mental health, as well as my physical wellbeing. I read and do Sudoku puzzles. So, like my Avatar states, "I will acquiesce to things I disagree with that I can't change," even though they bother me. It is amazing how we can learn to live in surroundings that are horrible, and yet feel safe and comfortable. Tonight, I should be OK, but last night was a nightmare. It only took one thing to set me to thinking about all the issues I have here at home. This writing helps me to re-acquiesce.

The way I look at it is, if I take action to correct an issue, it will lead to a fight. If I ignore it, which I've become fairly good at doing, it will come up again and frustrate me, again. So, we peacefully co-exist. The one thing I can be sure of is that my wife and family will not read this. Unlike what professionals have been telling us for years is that wives are upset that their husbands do not open up enough. Yeah right. The few times I opened up to her, on issues not related to her, she did what they tell us not to do, that is trying to solve the problem for us. If I tried to open up to her about her it would lead to all-out war. It's just not worth it.

Again, back to why we (not me personally) stay married. As we age our options diminish, as well as our bodies. The pain of a failed long-term relationship makes it increasingly difficult to start and build new ones. It's not the same for widows and widowers or even the young that get divorced. Widows and widowers have no choice but to start over. Younger people heal faster and are still marketable, so to speak. What we are willing to accept as we age changes. The physical changes don't help much either. Our six packs become beer barrels.

During the waning years of our marriage, I frequently thought about getting a divorce. I faced a true dilemma: I knew at the original writing I cared for her, now I know I loved her and still do, and didn't want to hurt her in any manner, yet I was struggling with wanting to be gone. Like now, I was existing day to day, not depressed and not happy. In hindsight, I could have made it better for both of us. There was so much I could've done that would have made all of our lives better. For one, I should have acknowledged to myself the support she gave me, but I chose to dwell on the negative; sad isn't it.

March 7, 2018, in retrospect, I should have said, "Sorry for getting upset. Please get in line, I'll stay over here until we get inside. I'm over here because Achi is acting up."

I suspect now that because I didn't respond, it affirmed what she believed. Today I would say, if I were angry, "Please let's talk about this later and I'll tell you what I am thinking. If I weren't angry, I would say, "Seriously, you think that's what I'm thinking. Would you like me to explain?" I might also ask, "Why do you think I'm thinking about it that way?" I don't know what her response would be but I would do everything possible to have a meaningful calm conversation.