Signs: You Know You Are Old, When . . .
© 2006 P. Arthur Stuart
Updated November 15, 2020

You wake up, look around, and realize that you're still alive; or at least it seems that way, but you're not really sure.

You sleep through the night without getting up to pee and feel like you accomplished a major feat.

You take pills in the morning, afternoon, at night, and in between.

You have a good bowel movement and it makes you feel good.

You hurt in places you didn't know existed and for no apparent reason.

You look in a mirror and ask, “Who the hell is that and when did I get so old?”

You have no control of your bladder and almost everything that makes a schussing sound makes you want to go.

You put more mileage on your car going back and forth to the doctor’s than all other places combined.

You discuss medical procedures you or they have had when you're in a group of people.

Your grandchildren are having children.

Everything you eat turns to gas.

Regardless of the temperature it is either to hot or cold.

You mention a famous movie star of the past and everyone looks at you like, Who?

You can remember when some of the things you bought were outrageously cheap; like gasoline at 25 cents a gallon or first-class postage was 3 cents and you could send a letter faster by paying an airmail fee.

You don't know how to operate devices that a three-year-old can.

You receive a stream of never-ending mail/phone calls related to Medicare programs, burial or cemetery plots, reverse mortgage, how to spend your retirement, and AARP. Along with copious solicitations from funeral homes and crematoriums. If you're a male you get inundated with tons of spam related to Viagra and Cialis.

You have more hair growing out of your nose and ears than on your head. Your eyebrows grow fast enough to comb over your bald head.

You take so many pills that the EPA has declared your house a biological hazard zone.

All your clothing looks like it came from a thrift store and it never seems to wear out.

You use your cell phone to only make calls.

You go to another room in the house to get something and by the time you get there you forgot what you were after. However, when you find yourself in the bathroom it gives you a clue.

You pull a muscle while sleeping.

You strain your neck because you turned to quickly.

You're standing naked in front of a mirror and you see your penis or breasts, as the case maybe, have gotten larger, then you realize you're wearing you 3X reading glasses.

The clothing you're wearing is over ten years old and none of it wears out.

It's Saturday or Sunday morning and you're the only one up.